My relationship with ‘him’

I started drinking really young, I remember getting wine off my family and mixing it with water on special occasions. Fast forward 15 years and I’m not one of those ‘non-drinkers’ that I used to think were myths.

Yes, I am a DJ, promoter and up until last month was a whole year sober.

So many people ask why I don’t drink, so many people say things to me like ‘I wish I could not drink’ or ‘I don’t even know why I can’t give it up’. I love these little chats that I get to have with people but, honestly my personal choices have nothing to do with you I’ll happily chat with you if you really find it hard to stop or want some pointers. Making it a topic of conversation sometimes upsets me because it’s like I’m the odd one out – but if you never knew I didn’t drink you’d not notice that I wasn’t.

Lets get into the good stuff – why I quit for a year and what it showed me.

I was living in East Maitland with my cousin Natalie at the time, my life had been though a hell of bend, I went from living in Newtown with my boyfriend going to Uni and work to moving into 2 places with the period of 2 months. My life was in turmoil to say the very least. The people I surrounded myself with weren’t anything like me and even though I wanted to fit in, I never would, they were all grossly negative, listened to horrible ‘death metal’ music had no real prospects for their future, no passions that went past nights at the pub. One had clearly mental health issues and the others were smoking meth with her, making the issues worse. But it went by without a hitch ’cause you know ‘that punk life’.

Anyway, these people all sucked.

I moved away and wanted better for me, better friends, a better life and most all of all more places to play. I desperately needed to express myself and music was my outlet, after fleeing Sydney I wasn’t able to play at my uni bar which was a massive blow to my mixing but I had to be honest with myself playing at my Uni although an amazing experience wasn’t where I wanted to be playing … so i went inside my soul read a lot books and changed my belief systems. I wanted to produce music and become a real DJ professionally playing places that I loved such as Chinese Laundry, WeLove, everywhere that had great artists, thats where I wanted to play.

I challenged myself to accept that the people in my past were representations of what I thought I deserved and therefore I had a lot of work to do on myself. After I started reading and researching I finally got into mediation.

I felt like I had a blockage, my mind and soul said ‘I want more than anything to pursue music’ but something was holding me back, that one thing was drinking, if I really wanted to be in the music industry, I had to stop drinking, it was as clear as day. I knew I’d have to be sober and really present for all the conversations that were about to take place – I met people and friends made my way into the music world, but it all came down to that promise I made to myself.

I was able to meet people and feel 100% about each word said and therefore found that my confidence excelled – I had no more excuses, here I was a clear and direct DJ who wanted it so bad she quit drinking. I have met many artists since that time, some of them I think need to quit one thing or another, and speak openly about the issues surrounding our community. I notice that the personality traits of someone can become more alike their ‘under the influence’ selves rather than who they normally are, as in the influence of their drug induced personality transfers into themselves which can be great, leading them to have a better awareness or grow to become more confident – however my fear is that sometimes people are leaning on these substances such as MD or alcohol instead of being able to developing the natural character traits needed to come out of their shell without anything else.

Take me for instance, when I have had a couple of drinks I like to make-out with everyone, its fun, light hearted and I enjoy it, however, I am very much aware that I had not been drinking I’d be finding better uses of my time. Again, its just my interpretation of my own life, I still do and would do that same thing, but unless I’m drinking its just not as fun.

For someone who enjoys being aware of what is going on, it seemed important that I take a good look at my drinking. I choose to quit, this time it was because I want to create music, and in my industry there are many temptations, in order to be successful I had to give it up… so one night I made the choice to and I planned a going away party. Yes, a going away party for alcohol. It just made sense, I would have big chocolate cakes when starting a new diet why not apply this to drinking so that is what I did, and you know what it was pretty enlightening. There were feelings and thoughts attached to my ‘alcohol’ that I wasn’t even aware of.

It was halloween 2017 – I drove to my best friends place Jess, Jess is amazing person, friend and a genuine goddess. We went out to Chinese Laundry and spent a day session at her place, with friends. The night soon came and once it did so did the realisation that I would be giving up drinking.

I looked at my glass with new found fear, fear of what I would do without it, I looked closer at my own feelings and each time I did I had a feeling of found memories, and sometimes sad ones too. My cup wasn’t a cup it had feelings, some were bad some good like a friend.

I’d soon realised I was saying good bye to a friend, not a good or bad friend, just a friend. The point of the matter was alcohol had become a just that, a comfort an excuse, but non the less always, always, there.

My mind wondered from place to place, times in London and when I was a teenager, always there. Creating fun and adventure, misadventure and danger, the one true excuse and cure, my long lost dad my new old found hope but most of all and this is what is so important – it wasn’t ever ‘just a drink’ and that is why I chose to give ‘it’ up.

Here is thing, I knew that I was about to enter into a life style that can afford to have a few loose nights and even though its accepted I knew that deep down I’d not be able to be taken seriously had I chosen to keep drinking.

Here’s the thing about drinking we can believe that it brings out your true colours but what if that is all rubbish? Have we ever stop to think that alcohol can do the opposite, as in you can become someone you really aren’t or say things you simply do not mean? and where is the line?

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all these questions and wasted Sunday mornings I chose to give up and for whatever reason I made my own life easier but simply not telling anyone, I didn’t tell my new friends because I didn’t want to stand out or be a burden to them. The ones who I did tell were more than welcoming but at first there was some judgement, lets face it – who doesn’t drink?

I’m a much happier, whole person when I’m not drinking and although I enjoyed a few with my new and old friends recently, I have no need or desire to do so once more. I no longer view drinking the same way I used to.

I did notice its kinda tricky with dating, I mean, I have had relationships where the entire time I didn’t drink – and times where I have so in terms of sex I can see how you’d think ‘ I need to be drunk’ but really you know that you don’t and if you really want the ‘great’ trust me, there’s many more ways to achieve it then being wasted. When you’re wasted you don’t remember any of it – so how does it mean it was any better? It doesn’t, you just think it was amazing because you were horny and drunk but that doesn’t make the sex itself any better. And if a person needs to be drunk to feel better or more confident about something as natural as sex than we have way more to talk about then drinking.

I urge anyone who struggles with drinking to have a going away party and to simply not tell anyone that you’ve quit – reasons being 1. Its too much pressure 2. Depending on what they say can depend on how you feel about 3. It just brings it up 4.People wont notice if you don’t say anything 5. Its not that big-a-deal